This article appeared in #80 issue of Above Rubies magazine, a world-wide women's publication. This is exaxtly as the article appeared when the testimony was published in the magazine in 2010.
In 1996 my whole world fell apart. In early December I discovered that I was expecting my 5th child. Two weeks later I found out my husband was having an affair. He admitted it wasn't the first time during our nine-year marriage. Despite my efforts to hold my marriage together till after the holidays, I caught my husband with his girlfriend just after midnight on New Year's Day. I confronted the woman (although she wasn't the one breaking a vow), threw a fit, hit my husband, threw away my wedding ring and wished him a Happy New Year before going home and packing all of his belongings. I called his family and mine on New Year's Day 1997 to explain. No one could believe it--we were the "perfect couple".
Over the next few weeks I contemplated suicide. I even scheduled an abortion because I couldn't see how I could possibly raise all these children on my own. I hated Terry for what he had done, but I also missed him terribly. He came over one day, looking a wreck, and told me that he loved me and that if it took him ten years he would win back my heart. I felt sick. How could he win back my heart after he had ripped it out? I didn't think I would ever be able to trust him again, and even if I did, there was absolutely NO WAY I could forgive him!
In spite of the fact that Terry wanted to "work things out" I refused to let him come near me. He agreed to play by my rules. When he was scheduled to stay the night with the children, I would leave before he arrived; he was to leave by the back door the next morning so I wouldn't have to look at him. I think I was trying to make him pay for the pain he had caused me.
The children missed their daddy. Giggly little Haley was only 18 months old at the time and she simply stopped smiling. One day I overheard Emily (age 4) and Stephanie (age 8) conversing. Emily was crying and saying she wanted her daddy back home. Stephanie replied, "Mommy won't let him come back." They were blaming ME! I thought I'd better do something to "cover" myself.
Terry suggested marriage counseling. I believed there was no hope for our marriage but I thought if we went a time or two, I could say to the children, "Mommy tried to make it work, but there was no way." My friend suggested we see a Pastor who offered FREE marriage counseling.
"Hook me up!" I told her.
I didn't know much about God, but I had heard of the Ten Commandments and I knew Terry had broken a few. I thought this Pastor would surely be on my side and would give me God's approval to divorce my husband.
During the first session, the pastor, sat at our dining room table and listened to me pour out the sordid details of our lives as Terry bowed his head in shame. I waited for the pastor to tell us that our marriage could not be saved and that I was justified in seeking a divorce. Instead, he talked about God's purpose for marriage and how we had been headed down the wrong track. He agreed to counsel us every Monday night.
A few weeks later, Pastor patiently explained God's way of salvation to us. I didn't understand, so he repeated himself. After the third explanation he finally asked, "What don't you understand?" I said, "You are telling me that I can come to God just as I am, smoking, drinking, all the stuff I've done, and He is just going to forgive me?" "Yes," he smiled. I shook my head. I honestly believed that I had to "clean myself up" and make myself presentable before I could come before a Holy God and ask forgiveness. Pastor patiently explained that salvation is a free gift from God and there is absolutely nothing I could do to earn this gift. I knew in my heart he was sharing truth, but I was not yet ready. Terry, however, asked Jesus Christ to forgie him and received Him as his personal Savior that very night.
Terry began to change. He quit using foul language and he got up every morning to read his Bible. He had a new purpose for his life. I, on the other hand, became more contentious and bitter with each passing day. Finally, I knew I could not continue living this way. I had to make a choice: either end my life or accept Jesus Christ. There was no other alternative.
One night after Terry had left for his night shift job, I knelt at the end of the bed and talked to God. I felt a bit silly at first, but continued telling Him what a mess I had made of my life. I sat in the darkness and confessed all the "major" sins I could recall. I knew there was nothing I could do to save myself out of this pit and I asked Jesus to cleanse me from my sin and be Lord of my life. As I left the bedroom that night I remember thinking, "There's no turning back now!"
Within a year of our conversion, our lives were hardly recognizable. From all outward appearances we seemed to be victorious Christians. Those who knew us were amazed at the transformation. The old wounds appeared to be completely healed. Yet nearly four years later, one question continued to tug at my heart. If all had been forgiven, why were the memories still so painful?
In December 2000 we were preparing for the birth of our seventh child. What should have been a joyous time in my life was instead plagued by depression. Generated by the Christmas season, the old feelings of insecurity and distrust resurfaced as memories from the past began to overwhelm me. I looked like a Godly wife and mother but my spirit was overcome with turmoil and chaos. I felt trapped by the hypocrisy. By the end of the month I felt so defeated that I began doubting the Lord's presence in my life and even questioned my salvation. Though I didn't understand at the time, I had finally reached the end of reliance on myself.
We learned of a marriage intimacy course and our church agreed to pay our way for two weekends. We were both keenly aware that if we chose to do this study, all those old wounds would be ripped open once more. We would have rather avoided the pain, but we both felt the Lord leading us in this direction.
We began slowly, cautiously. The first chapter was very enlightening and didn't hurt a bit. A glance at chapter two however, caused me to panic; it was all about resolving bitterness. I watched the video alone the first time through and bitterly wept as suppressed emotions surfaced. I was surprised by the amount of bitterness that had been locked away in my heart, not toward Terry, for this pain was obvious to me, but towards my mother!
A memory flashed through my mind: I was seven years old. My mom had gotten remarried and had left us three children with our grandparents to finish out the school year and only visited us on weekends. I had not seen her for about a week when I had a dream that she had died. The dream was horrifying and I longed for my Mommy to hold me in her loving arms and reassure me that she would always come back. A day or two following this dream Mom came for a visit. I ran to her without restraint and threw my arms around her with joy. She simply pushed me aside and walked away. I sobbed from the pain of the memory.
As suggested in step three of Resolving Bitterness from Childhood, I shared this pain with Jesus, asking Him to come into my pain and speak peace. These words came into my mind; "I was there watching over you all along." I dutifully wrote these words on the worksheet even though I didn't really believe them.
I continued working through the worksheets and eventually began "My Spouse Who Has Hurt Me". Reliving the memories was just as painful as I had anticipated, but God was faithful in comforting my heart.
That first weekend many issues were resolved. On Saturday evening, as Terry read the painful memories I had written concerning our marriage, he looked at me with tears overflowing and asked, "How can you ever forgive me?" I had just been reflecting on my own sins and cried, "You ask me how I can forgive you? The question is, 'how can God forgive me?'"
Although I was on the road to healing and truly desired to let go of all the pain, bitterness, and unforgiveness, I still felt some unknown cord of the past holding me back. Step four suggested praying through the worksheets for thirty days, or until the pain of each incident was gone, so I continued praying through these issues faithfully each morning.
I soon realized that the issues that I had with Terry didn't hurt nearly as much as the memory of the incident that happened when I was seven. The day before Terry and I were to leave on our second weekend away, I felt it was time to resolve this issue completely. In my mind's eye I saw this pathetic little girl standing there with tear-stained cheeks, totally rejected and unloved by the one person whom she loved more than anyone in the world. My heart ached as I sobbed and cried aloud, "Jesus, You said You were there; where were You?" Right then I saw Him step up beside that broken little girl and wrap His loving arms around her. She was immediately comforted. "I was loving you even when your mommy couldn't," He whispered to her.
Terry and I returned to the marriage retreat the next day. As the Holy Spirit revealed to us ground we had surrendered to the enemy, our hearts opened and became tender toward the Lord. On Sunday morning, half an hour before check-out, we were discussing our family. Terry's only remaining concern was for Emily, our precarious eight-year-old. The Lord showed to us that the many struggles with her were due to her heart being locked. I alone held that key.
The Lord prompted me to share with Terry my painful childhood memory. When I came to the part about Jesus coming to that little girl, I broke. For years I had been imprisoned with bitterness. I had not been free to love or to even accept love. I suddenly realized that seeing Jesus in the midst of my pain was the key to my freedom. "Emily will be okay," I whispered through my tears.
As we left that room for the last time, I felt as though I was literally stepping into the light. My heart sang joyfully as Terry loaded the van. We decided to see my Mom before going home and I had the most fulfilling visit with her. The anger and bitterness was completely gone from my heart and replaced by an intense love for her. Before, I was quick to recognize and criticize her faults; now I was free to see her strengths and the goodness in her heart.
As we pulled up at our house, we immediately noticed a banner the children had made: "Welcome Home Mom and Dad and Isaac". My heart swelled with joy. Emily was the first to burst out the door. "Mommy, Mommy, I missed you so much!" She squealed. I wrapped my arms around her. "I love you so much, Emily," I cried. She looked at me with genuine concern. "Mommy, what's wrong?" I took her face in my hands. "I love you Emmy Jo and Jesus loves you too. He loves you so much and He knew you needed to be loved in a special way that your Mommy and Daddy didn't know how, so He sent us away this weekend to fix our hearts."
Tears flowed down her cheeks. I will never forget the beautiful smile on her face as I told her, "You are my precious Emily and I love you with all my heart." She fell into my arms and we sat there awhile, just the two of us, sobbing and clinging to one another.
We stepped out of the van together as Terry came out of the house where he'd been watching us. He picked up Emily and pulled me into his arms. "You don't know how long I've prayed for this." He said as he smiled through tears. That day the Lord began healing Emily's heart as He had mine.
December 2001 sneaked up on me and I was soon swept away in the busy-ness of the season. The second Saturday morning in December Terry sent me off to do some holiday shopping alone-- a rare treat!
The question popped into my mind: "It's December! How do you feel?" I considered this for a moment before answering aloud. "I'm not stressed, or anxious, or sad or depressed." I felt a surge of joy as I continued. "I haven't experienced any overwhelming memories nor have I cried one tear of regret. Father! You have performed a miracle in my heart!"
God reminded me of this just before I turned into that same pizza place where Terry had once worked. I hadn't been back for five years! With my spirit soaring, I hopped out of the van to go to the new Christian book shop and raised my hands in praise to God for His mercy and faithfulness. When it was time to leave, I drove past the back door of that pizza place that I had hopelessly stormed out of on January 1, 1997, and the words "It is finished." ran through my mind. I was instantly reminded of my last thought when I had walked out that same door five years before; "This is finished."
I cried tears of joy as I reflected how the Lord had delivered us. He had mended my broken heart and restored our marriage. What He did in my life, He can do in yours. He is looking for broken hearts that are willing to surrender to Him and place their lives in His capable hands.
