Coming Back to God (After I've Fallen)

Backslide

The word reminds me of backside. As in, what you land on when you fall.

And I've fallen before. Many times. But with the Lord's help, I've always gotten back up and allowed the Holy Spirit to brush me off, as Jesus tends to the bruises.

Not this time.

It all started when I got hurt. Two people I trust and love deeply wounded me and at first I responded correctly; I took the pain to Jesus, where I knew I would find comfort.

And I did.

But rather than letting it go by accepting God's healing grace, I allowed the seeds of hurt and anger to fester and grow into a root of bitterness.

I know better. But just like a willful child, I did it anyway.

If the transformation had been drastic enough, I might have been alarmed. But it was rather subtle. At least at first.

I quit praying. That was the first thing to go. I lost my desire to talk with the Lord.

Then I began missing out on my Bible time. A weekly study with a friend at least kept me in the Word on occasion, until I found reasons to cancel our meetings.

I replaced my quiet time with other distractions. Idols began to form in my heart.

I found myself falling back into old, destructive patterns, in my thought life as well as in my behavior. The "old me" was showing up more frequently. Bleh.

I stopped attending church. Oh I had plausible excuses, but that's all they were really; just excuses. I didn't want to be in that environment of joy and love and transparency. Where fellow Christians acknowledge their failures and humbly repent. Where people care enough to ask, "What's going on in your heart?" I didn't want anyone to know what was transpiring in my heart.

And so I hid.

Time marched on. Life continued as normal. But not really.

We were hit with some serious trials. Issues with my elderly Mom. Haley being diagnosed with Lyme disease. The unexpected death of my step-dad of 42 years.

It was a hard summer, y'all.

And I was walking through it with my back to the Lord.

I thought if I could just shut down emotionally I would be okay. So I pulled away from everyone.

At one point I began entertaining the idea of getting in Mom's car and leaving my life behind and never coming back. Could I just disappear?

In 17 years of walking with the Lord, I've never experienced anything like this before. I saw myself sliding down into this dark, oppressive tunnel and I felt powerless to stop it.

I was miserable.

Finally, a close friend whom I've never met in person called me out. She sent me a message on Facebook saying she knew something wasn't right and then proceeded to tell me what she thought was happening. Her diagnosis was so amazingly accurate that I realized there was no other explanation: I was hearing from my Lord and Savior.

My heart was so hardened by this time that it took a few weeks before I was willing to heed the warning.

Your wickedness will punish you; your backsliding will rebuke you. Consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you when you forsake the LORD your God and have no awe of me," declares the Lord, the LORD Almighty. ~Hosea 2:19

It was a long three months, but finally I was ready to acknowledge the truth.

I knew what I had to do...

The Cure

"I need to take a week-long break from the internet." 

This first coherent thought of the day invaded my mind that Sunday morning out of nowhere and was most unwelcome. Considering the 3 month trek through the spiritual dessert I had been walking through, leaving social media, and my companions who were there, was the last thing I wanted to do, and so I "took that thought captive."

Pastor's message a few hours later on Romans 12:1-2  reintroduced the idea and by the time we were settled into our seats in the van for the return trip home, I suggested we all do a one week media fast. Reflecting on the Word we had just heard from the Lord, the girls were in agreement. The fast was to begin the next morning.

It never ceases to amaze me how shutting out the voices and all outside influence allows me to reset my full attention on the Lord. 

All summer long I had been slipping further away from my Savior; helplessly sliding down into a pit of my own making. Why is it the escape to freedom appears as arduous as climbing Mount Everest and as far-fetched as visiting the moon? Fears plagued my mind, but at the center was only one question: Will He take me back?

Silly; isn't it? To think that for nearly 33 years of my life I did my own thing; living a life of debauchery and sin until that life imploded and I had found myself in a pit so deep there was nowhere to look. Except up.

All along He had been drawing me to Himself. Allowing the ugliness in my life till I came to the end of my self-sufficiency and was ready to turn it all over to Him.

And He had forgiven me and washed away my sins. Just. Like. That.

Now here I was 17 years old in Christ; a child of the One True King; His child, once again wallowing in the muck of a miry pit of my own making, struggling with the same question as the Prodigal son of Luke 15; "Will He take me back?"

It took a full day for my mind to clear and to accept the realization that the day of reckoning had arrived. My heart burned within me with a longing to be reunited with my One True Love.

As a woman on a mission, I woke early Tuesday morning, grabbed a cup of coffee, and headed to the living room where I've previously spent many glorious moments with Christ. Next to the sofa I stood, thinking. Contemplating. Till finally I did the only thing I knew to do: I knelt there beside the sofa and began pouring out my heart to my Lord and Savior, confessing my waywardness and asking--begging--Him to show me my heart. 

And He took me back. Just. Like. That.

A verse played on my mind: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37). I held that verse in my heart all morning and after chores and schooling the children, I grabbed some study materials and headed to the swing that afternoon; my heavenly sanctuary.

Here are some valuable lessons I've learned since returning to the Lord:

• The cure for backsliding is... repentance. "Remember therefore from where you are fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto you quickly, and will remove your lampstand out of its place, except you repent." (Revelation 2:5)

• A spirit of repentance is a gift we can ask for from the Lord (see 2 Timothy 2:25).

• Refusing to forgive offenders results in being delivered to the tormentors. These "tormentors" can be anything from anger and a critical attitude to depression and physical illness.

• An idol is anyone or anything that takes the place of God on the throne of your heart. 

• We serve a jealous God Who desires all our affections. "For you shall worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." (Exodus 34:14)

• God will sometimes test our love by putting us through trials that reveal any competing affections.

• Loving the Lord with all my heart requires me to uncover and confess all secret sin before God and to my spiritual authority.

• To Jesus I am a pearl of great price (Matthew 12:45-46) and I am to find my validation and self worth in Him Alone.

The escape from backsliding is to realize your spiritual condition, repent, and turn back to the Lord. "Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you." (Proverbs 1:23).

If you look up one day and find yourself far from God, remember this: He is not the One Who moved.     

Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the Lord, till he comes and rains righteousness upon you. 

~Hosea 10:12